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Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Zen Buddism: What is the sound of Shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to somebody else.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Shit doesn't happen until Armageddon.
Christian Science: When shit doesn't happen, don't call a doctor - pray.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Pantheism: Shit comes from everywhere.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Astrology: Shit comes from the stars.
Naturopathy: Shit happens naturally.
Homeopathy: A little shit goes a long way.
Atheist: I don't believe this Shit.
New Age: Affirm Shit does not happen to me.
Rastafarian: Let's roll up that Shit and smoke it!